From jeff@starfall.com.nospam Fri Mar 10 18:49:54 2000 Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written.robert-jordan Subject: Re: semi-TAN: Regarding RASFWRJ... From: Jeff Huo Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 18:49:54 -0500 Mark Loy wrote: > > I mean, what kind of sick mother masturbates with _stuffed > > animals_, for the love of Gawd? Something so innocent and > > cute and something so...yergh... > > She's not a sick mother; she's just very, very lonely. > Hm...hadn't parsed "mother" that way....I wrote it as short for "sick motherf**ker", not as implication of sex, but you all just _had_ to take things literally, didn't you all? :-) > > "Come here, Teddy Ruxpin, and make mommy's day." .... < about six hours later > UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN HEALTH SYSTEM CAREWEB PATIENT RECORD ACCESS SYSTEM WARNING: An audit trail is maintained of all users accessing this patient record system. Authorized access is limited to those with a need to know for purposes of patient care, billing, medical record review, or quality assurance. IRB approval is required to access this data for research. < clickety click> CPI#: 31453322 Name: < deleted > DOB: 0X/0X/XX Sex: F Age: XX DMI Text - Report Id: 30432343 Case Date: 03/07/2000 Patient Service: AER **** Note: Do not place this document in the Medical Record **** Warning - the information contained on this page is an unreviewed preliminary draft, and may not accurately reflect the actual medical record. This information is intended for internal UMHS use only. FINAL REPORT: Chief Complaint: Electrical burns, severe trauma, and mortal embarrassment. History of Present Illness: This is a XX-year old woman who was previously in good health until this afternoon, when she presented to the ER unconscious and in shock, and what appeared to be the somewhat scorched robotic children's plush animal clamped firmly between her thighs. Ms. XXXXX had mild burns suggestive of electric shock, as well as electrolyte imbalances and abnormal EEG consistent with extreme sexual euphoria and/or electrical shock leading to loss of consciousness. In consultation with Trauma/Burn, Ob/Gyn, and Orthopedics, we used muscle relaxants and a crowbar to surgically remove... ...While Ms. XXXXX was extremely reluctant to elaborate on the circumstances leading to her admission, consultations the esteemed Dr. Mark Loy at IUPUI led us to conclude that Ms. XXXXX had apparently chosen to gratify herself using what was later identified as a Teddy Ruxpin Singing Plush Toy with Aerosmith's "Get a Grip" in the toy's cassette deck in lieu of the usual tapes. We presume that this unusual choice of media, as well as the patient's state of loneliness and extreme libido (see Consults: Psychiatric) led to various fluids short-circuiting the toy at the point of maximum arousal, somewhere during Steven Tyler's solo on track four, the sheer rush of endorphins and the electrical discharge combining to render her unconscious. It is fortunate that children's toys do not typically burn but instead only smolder..... ------ > > > > > Unless you weren't talking about stuffed animals and were > > instead talking about Kate's parents and Trent Goulding -- > > > > < sounds of yet more explosive vomiting > > > Hmmm...I'm gonna go out on a limb, here and say that you, Jeff, don't > really have the stomach for rasfwrj. > Nonsense! You have to take the good with the bad. Rasfwr-j, like life, is a box of chocolates --sometimes you get Hershey's, sometimes Godiva, sometimes Exlax. And if you forget to secure your window in your dorm room before you leave for spring break, you get an empty box and a room full of squirrel shit. -Jeff >