Subject: To: Mr. Nobrain From: Venit Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written.robert-jordan John S. Novak, III wrote: > > On Fri, 04 Jun 1999 16:56:27 PDT, Bill Garrett > wrote: > > >To: > >Bob C. Jones, Chief Ignorant Fuckwad > >Stupid Products, Inc. > >1500 Dumbass Road > >Smelly-as-shit, NJ 06836 > > >Dear Toad-Fucking Smeghead: > >Enclosed please find 13 ounces of festering cow shit. > >Very Truly Yours, > > >Mr. GOD-LIKE Garrett > > To: Mr. GOD-LIKE Garrett, President > Dumbshit Industries > 1279 1/2 Cow's Ass Alley > Peoria, IL 61606 > > We have reviewed your recent shipment of cowshit, and have found that > it does not meet our requirements. We have specified very carefully > the requirements of the cow shit in our Clueless Fuckface Item > Specification. Prior to accepting payment, your husbanders reviewed > this document. After we rewrote the document using only words of one > syllable or less, your crack team of husbanders informed us that our > requirements were easily within the scope of your facilities. > > However, on reviewing your product after shipment, our Incoming > Inspection department found it sorely lacking in quality. The first > nasal appraisal determined a woeful lack of skatole, and mercaptan. > While the levels of indole were barely sufficient, we point out that > we specified minimum percentages by volume for all of inole, skatole, > hydrogen sulfide, and mercaptan. > > Further, the visual inspection of this light tan shit makes it obvious > that the urobilin and stercobilin counts are at least 75% below our > specifications. > > Given this incredible failure on your part, we have this message to > relay to your idiot Quality Assurance department: "Go stick your head > up a bull's ass, moron, and get with the fucking program." > > Novak of Novak > First of House and Sept > To: Mr. Novak of Novak, first of the perpetually brain-addled Stupid Products, Inc. 1500 Dumbass Road Smelly-as-shit, NJ 06836 I must say that I was surprised to recieve your memo, not only because of your displeasure with the product, but also at how someone as mentally inadequate as yourself could master the English language enough to _write_ a memo, much less send it. As for the regulations specified in your Clueless Fuckface Item Specification, which was quite clearly written and titled by Clueless Fuckfaces, we would have gladly followed them, had we been able. You see, our husbanders never thought before that grunts, vague gestures, and guttural snorts could pass as a language. We would have asked one of your representatives to present the guidlines orally, except he too busy chewing upon his own leg, and smelling quite rancid, so we sent him back to Jersey in his crate. Besides, you and I both know that all of our shit goes into the same place with your company, by which I mean of course any bodily orifice not currently occupied by your own rotting digits. We have thus encloses 13 more ounces of cow shit( POO v.3.5), taken straight from your own mother, that we hope is closer to your specifications, as well as a new pair of underwear, gratis (size 72 waist, of course), as we are sure that the old pair needs a break from your steaming, festering asshole. While we are on the subject, we here at DI wish to congraulate you on your ability to find the chemical make up of our shit, merely from taste. We are quite impressed. Bugger off, The Almighty Venit Quality Assurance Dept.