Subject: To: Mr. GOD-LIKE Garrett From: jsn@news.greennet.net (John S. Novak, III) Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written.robert-jordan Organization: Cynics Central On Fri, 04 Jun 1999 16:56:27 PDT, Bill Garrett wrote: >To: >Bob C. Jones, Chief Ignorant Fuckwad >Stupid Products, Inc. >1500 Dumbass Road >Smelly-as-shit, NJ 06836 >Dear Toad-Fucking Smeghead: >Enclosed please find 13 ounces of festering cow shit. >Very Truly Yours, >Mr. GOD-LIKE Garrett To: Mr. GOD-LIKE Garrett, President Dumbshit Industries 1279 1/2 Cow's Ass Alley Peoria, IL 61606 We have reviewed your recent shipment of cowshit, and have found that it does not meet our requirements. We have specified very carefully the requirements of the cow shit in our Clueless Fuckface Item Specification. Prior to accepting payment, your husbanders reviewed this document. After we rewrote the document using only words of one syllable or less, your crack team of husbanders informed us that our requirements were easily within the scope of your facilities. However, on reviewing your product after shipment, our Incoming Inspection department found it sorely lacking in quality. The first nasal appraisal determined a woeful lack of skatole, and mercaptan. While the levels of indole were barely sufficient, we point out that we specified minimum percentages by volume for all of inole, skatole, hydrogen sulfide, and mercaptan. Further, the visual inspection of this light tan shit makes it obvious that the urobilin and stercobilin counts are at least 75% below our specifications. Given this incredible failure on your part, we have this message to relay to your idiot Quality Assurance department: "Go stick your head up a bull's ass, moron, and get with the fucking program." Novak of Novak First of House and Sept -- John S. Novak, III jsn@concentric.net The Humblest Man on the Net