Subject: Re: TAN: Why I could never be a Republican From: Jeff Huo Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written.robert-jordan Organization: Denizens of the Wolverine White Coat Ghetto "Stephen R. Sparks" wrote: > because you love scum . . . [fade in. The vast plains of Usenet. A dark and twisted wasteland of chaos, flames, pink luncheon meat-byproducts, and twisted creatures scurrying from rut to rut. A few bright lights glimmer on the horizon. We approach one of the largest such emcampments. Staked through the body of a troll is a post with a neatly lettered sign on it: ----------- WELCOME TO RASFWR-J Visitors welcome Lurkers welcome Please read the FAQ You must display at least this much sentience to post here (arrow) All others deliberately ignoring the FAQ or expressing excessive stupidity and/or rudeness will be ridiculed on sight until incinerated ---------- We continue past the sign to the outermost ring of defence. At a foward observation post, two soldiers crouch in a bunker; one a newbie, the other a grizzled vetran from the Cabal [There Is No Cabal]. Surrounding them are the weapons by which a newgroup is defended: cold, un-shatterable facts, potent logical retorts, pointed wittisms, off-quote .sig snatchers, blistering flames. They watch warily the unknown who approaches them on the thread marked "Re: Why I could never be a Republican" and they don't like what they hear. Close-up.] "Sargent Sir! Probable incoming troll at 1 o'clock!" "I concur. Very well, Private, you may open fire at will." <*blam*><*blam*><*blam*> "Sir! Direct hits on the troll's cranium with no effect sir!" "No you idiot! Don't shoot at the head, aim at something vital! Something functional!" "Sir?" "Look, you must be new to the Bonehead front, right?" "Yes Sir." "Trying to turn back the troll with high-caliber logic, right?" "Yes Sir." "Well, look at the Enemy son. This isn't a standard species of poster we're replying to. Do you see any rational facts, supporting evidence, or even clear thought?" "No Sir." "Do you see any punctuation?" "No Sir." "Do you even see proper capitalization?" "No Sir." "In short, no evidence of sentient thought present in the incoming transmission?" "Yes Sir." "So what makes you think a shot of logic is going to do anything but glance off impossibly thick armor or rebound inside an empty cavity?" "Well?" "Nothing sir." "Good. We'll make a decent soldier of you yet. Carry on." "Yes Sir. Should I try flames, sir?" "What do you think, Private?" "Well sir, if we can't use logic or facts to turn back the intruder, then we're down to flames, right Sir?" "Yes, but...you can't aim at the troll's self-respect, cause it's evident he has none...can't aim at his reputation or good name or his pride in posting well...hell, this Enemy can't be defeated by flames --might even thrive on them like some mis-begotten spawn of hell...even the blistering fire of high-yield Novak had no effect on cutting down previous examples of trolls like goodgulf or stoont....safe your weapons Private, I'll just call in the most direct firepower for dealing with trolls we have." (fires up radio) <*click hiss*> "Hello Almighty, Almighty, this is PBR Street Gang - radio check, over." <*from radio *> "Street Gang, this is Almighty, standing by, over." [2 pnts] . . . A few minutes later, as "Light my Fire" by the Doors roars to max volume, the ground around the troll explodes with a wall of deafening *plonks* as the very fabric of Usenet engulfs it and makes it disappear existence. And the grounds surrounding rasfwr-j were quiet again. -Jeff ---- Jeff Huo | jeff@nospam.starfall.com U. Michigan Med | http://www.starfall.com/~jeff