Subject: Re: TAN: Chicago DFS, A Newbie's Report From: Jeff Huo Organization: Deja.com - Before you buy. Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written.robert-jordan In article , merhawk@value.netDELETEDELETEDELETE (Hawk) wrote: > Jeff Huo shouted: > :merhawk@value.netDELETEDELETEDELETE says... > > :> I'm looking to hire someone to clean my apartment... or is that not the > :> kind of employment you were hoping for? > > :I don't think I would be very good at the apartment cleaning > :business --I have very little experience cleaning clutter as > :I don't own enough stuff to make a decent mess. :-) > > It's not the clutter moving that I have a problem with - it's the > dusting, vacuuming, and cleaning of bathrooms and kitchens. > > I'm sure you'd do fine at it. Hell, you couldn't do worse than what's > already happening now. > Hm...my coming to your place to wash dishes, vacuum, dust, and other things? I wonder how well that would work.. --- Oreck Customer Service 15:07 GMT Sometime in the not-too-distant-future "Oreck Customer Service, this is Maurice, how can we help you?" "Hello, I’m having a problem with my Oreck Shop Vac." "Yes sir. What model?" "Uh….the WD69, serial number N416618." "N416618….Yes, Mr. Huo, how can we help you?" "This ShopVac is still under warranty, right?" "Yes, Mr., Huo, according to records you just bought it a few days ago. Is there a problem?" "Well….perhaps you could help me with something. I have a hamster stuck somewhere in the ShopVac: how do you advise I get it out without damaging the Vacuum?" "Sir?" "A hamster. I sucked a hamster into the ShopVac. How do I get it out?" "Sir, how did you get a hamster stuck in the ShopVac?" "It’s a long story, but the short is that I was vacuuming the ceiling corners and crevices and—" "Sir, how did you suck a hamster in through the crevice tool?" "I wasn’t using the crevice tool –I was using the brush tool. Anyway—" "Sir, why were you using the brush tool to clean crevices?" "Because the crevice tool broke when I whacked it across the neighbor’s face. As I was explaining ---" "You broke the crevice tool doing –what-?" "I had to defend myself! Look, he came charging in and wouldn’t listen to me. I told him that it was a total accident, and that I never intended the dishwasher to come rocketing through his living room wall. But he wouldn’t listen—" "Dishwasher, Mr. Huo?" "Yes, the dishwasher. It just exploded through the back of the kitchen, propelled by a jet of flame that blew the door off, blasted through the adjoining walls and into his living room. It must have been the leaf blower that set off the acetone fumes…" "_Leaf_ _Blower _?" "I was dusting, alright? And the acetone fumes from the glassware must have been too concentrated and that probably set off the explosion." "Why in God’s name did you use Leaf Blower …wait a minute, Acetone? Isn’t that an industrial—" "Industrial Solvent, yeah, yeah, yeah, look, there was some crud on the dishes that wasn’t coming off with Joy or the Power Sander, so I decided to try Acetone, since that’s what works in our lab. Which actually reminds me, I’m going to have to do something about the Tupperware that melted when I got careless and used the Acetone on that… I’m sure this is interesting and all, but could we get back to the ShopVac? Harold is starting to whine again, and" "Power Sander? What the hell were you thinking?" "Look, Tim ‘the Tool Man’ Taylor uses a power sander—" "Sir, that’s a fictional TV show. Forgive me for asking, but what the hey happened to your common sense?" "You know, I don’t know myself these days; I’ve been having some funny thoughts ever since I was poisoned. Anyway --" "You were –poisoned?-" "Well, I think I was poisoned –about a week ago I was eating in the hospital cafeteria; I set my food down, went to get some water, came back, and there was this guy staring intently at me. Kinda weird-like. Anyway, when I started spooning down the soup, Michael just started laughing his arse off at me, got up, made some comment about the price of overlooking a Warder, and left laughing. Again, about the ShopVac--" "Wait, you –know- who poisoned you?" "Well, Michael Steeves was the name on his driver’s license when I pulled it off his body—" "You pick-pocketed his wallet?" "Hell no! Look, after I ran him over I needed to see if there was a contact person or someone I should call after I called the Paramedics—" "You –ran- -him- -over-?!?" "Sheesh, could you please stop interrupting? I didn’t –mean- to run him over –when I came out of the parking lot the same guy who laughed at me in the cafeteria just happened to come out in front of my car –I went to apply the brakes but that’s when the voice in my head that started right after I finished eating started screaming about Ilyena again which scared the frick out of me and I accidentally punched the gas instead of the brake and hit the guy. Look, Harold is really beginning to cry and swear and if I don’t get him out Harold says Clyde is going to get even more pissed and wreck even more of the city." "Um…I –know- I’m going to regret asking this, but who is Harold?" "Harold. The hamster stuck in the shop Vac. He says I can call him Harold." "The hamster is –talking- to you? Listen, Mister, I think you’re full of shi-" "No, no, no, the –kitchen- is full of shit, but that’s from when the melted Tupperware clogged the drain and caused the sewage tank to back up. Look, all I ---SHUT THE FRICK UP! I DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE THE FRICKING LORD-OF-THE-MORNING, I’M ON THE PHONE!!! --- sorry, it’s the voice in my head again dickering off…" "I don’t know what’s going on, but I don’t appreciate your wasting my time like this on a Prank call---" "Maybe you don’t realize what’s at stake here." "According to your warranty sheet, you guys are based in the same city I’m in right now. Which means you’ve got as much at stake about keeping Clyde happy as I do. Clyde, at least Harold says the giant hamster is named Clyde, Harold says Clyde’s real name is not worthy of being spoken directly, is at this moment ripping the city apart looking for Harold, and if I don’t get Harold out of the ShopVac things are going to get ugly. Hell, I don’t even –live- in this city –I only came here to do someone’s cleaning now that I think about it, it seems a bit weird to have come cross country to dust someone’s apartment –funny, it seemed like such a good idea after that afternoon where I accidentally ran down Mr. Steeves and Lews began screaming in my head, along with deciding to begin wearing this French Maid getup and beginning to regularly post to afrj…." "Mr. Huo, I sympathize with your mental state right now, but I assure you, there is no giant hamster named Clyde-" "-no way. No fricking way. No fricking---" "Holy mother of Gawd! There’s a giant hamster—" "Yes, yes, I know, I know, could we please get back to the ShopVac and all?" "There is a –giant-, three-hundred foot tall freaking hamster ripping apart the building across the street—" "Look, get a grip! You’re not helping me, you’re not helping yourself, you’re not helping Harold, and you’re certainly not helping anyone in this metropolitan area by panicking! –How- -do- -I- -get- -the- -hamster- -out- -of- -the- -ShopVac-??!!!!" "OH MY GOD! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE! WE’RE GOING TO---" "What the frick! What happened ah –where did these come from Oh my word are these breasts? And what happened to my dic-WHAT THE HECK DID YOU DO TO ME YOU STUPID—" "So that’s what that does….damn vague labels on these things.." "Sorry, that was me. The little magic thingy I just activated was marked ‘for getting the attention of rude tele-marketers’ and I figured it would do in a pinch, but it didn’t say –what- it would do –come on here, I need some help, and you were getting all hysterical, so I wanted to do something to calm you down—" "CALM DOWN?!? CALM DOWN!?! YOU CHANGE MY FRICKING SEX OVER THE PHONE AND YOU WANT ME TO CALM DOWN!!!" "Look, buddy, I did –that-; I unleashed a giant hamster from heck, you want to see what –else- I can do? Actually, to be honest, I have no fricking clue myself…I thought Hawk was joking about her ‘ter’angreals’ …and even if these really are, I thought you had to be able to channel to use them, but maybe these work like the ones in the WOT game…of course, I didn’t think any of this WOT stuff was for real in –our- world until this ---but whatever or wherever these things really are from, you better believe I’ll keep using these things as long as I have to keep your attention, got it, Maurice –or should I say, -Marcy-?" "You unleashed the giant hamster?" "No! Well, maybe. Sorta. Okay, it was like this: I was dusting, it was taking all afternoon, I get a sudden idea, like all the other sudden ideas I’ve been getting since I was poisoned by Steeves, that things would be quicker if I used a leaf blower. So I go, get one, fire it up, the backblast from the leaf blower knocked over a shelf of kick-knacks which Hawk said were her ‘ter’angreals’, one hit the floor just right and activated itself, there’s this flash, and out pops this little hamster. He looks real dazed and all for a moment, then gets this little horrified look on his face (I think he was horrified --you ever try to interpret hamster facial expressions?) and starts cussing out Mashadsomething and bitching about being ‘reborn in such an absurd form’ or some other crap, then stares at me and commands me to tell him where Hawk is "so that I may deliver her to Shayol Ghul" and I’m thinking to myself (a) who the heck does this punk-ass freaking Hamster –even a talking hamster-- think he is trying to order me around like that (b) this is fricking Earth, and Shayol Ghul ain’t on any triple-AAA map I know, unless it’s Peoria (c) I have no idea how this little misbegotten furry bugger knows who Hawk is or that I would know where she is or why he wants her but if he thinks he can –deliver- Hawk fricking anywhere he needs his screws tightened and I know six –no wait, five—guys who might also have something to say about that and (d) I’ve got no clue where she went out to, anyway. I just clean. And looking at the mess that her place has become, it’s obvious not too well. And Lews is telling me to waste the prick, anyway. So I start laughing and ask him, what the heck are you going to do to me, anyway? Nibble on my ankles? Harold squeezes his eyes together for a bit and then opens them again, mutters something about being cut off from the Power in this form and then attacks! And he’s got these big, pointy teeth! Course, knowing what I know now, I probably wouldn’t have tried to whack him with the sword made all of crystal…. and I probably wouldn’t have tried to club him with the statuette of the chick holding the big crystal ball…and I probably wouldn’t have thrown the three disks with the ying-yang like symbol on them at him…tho’ only one was scratched up, they all shattered when they hit and Harold ducked them easily…he stopped dead cold when the third one shattered right behind him, stared at me with a combo of horror and ecstasy and started gibbering about some guy being released from prison –and –that’s- when I grab the ShopVac and suck the guy in while he’s all bug-eyed and frozen still. I figure my troubles are over when this big booming voice starts echoing through the sky and Harold starts telling me I’d better give him over to the Great-Lord-but -you-can-call-him-Clyde or bad things will happen and—" "You can change me back, right?" "Be damned if I know. I—" "Frick! I broke something else? What did I do now…damn, the goop inside spilled all over…okay, here’s the label on the bottle…"Mark…Loy…sixty…nin-- -what the frick is this ‘Mark Loy 69’ crap anyway?" ----- Perhaps my coming out to clean your place might not be such a good idea. -Jeff -- Jeff Huo | http://www.starfall.com/~jeff U. Michigan Med | jeff@starfall.nospam.com He only earns his freedom and his life who take them every day by storm. --Goethe's Faust Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Before you buy.