From jeff@starfall.com.nospam Sun Feb 27 12:56:29 2000 Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written.robert-jordan Subject: Re: TAN: Personality Types in rasfwr-j From: jeff@starfall.com.nospam (Jeff Huo) Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 11:56:29 -0600 In article <38b6d70e.357837248@news.BrandonU.CA>, klipperm65@brandonu.ca says... > > Given that we have here such a large pool of potential Evil Overlords, > might I suggest that, for greater convenience, we pool our efforts, > conquer the world jointly, and then thumb-wrestle for top spot? > ------------ OFFICE OF THE CABAL (TINC) Directorate of Evil Overlord Affairs Sector 2-45G, MassiveMegaUndergroundFortressofEvil (tm) Chicago, IL, 60201 Dear Mr. [ ] Mrs. [ ] Ms. [ ] Herr [ ] Subcommendante [ ] Generalissimo [ ] Wanker in Chief [ ] (name)_____________________________ We have recieved your note expressing interest in participating in the Master Plan for World Domination [ ] which is merely a figment of your imagination [ ] And you really would have been better off just sticking with the blue pill [ ] which is already underway [ ] And that you are an unwitting pawn in [ ] And that you have been targeted for elimination as part of [ ] but we are sparing you for our own personal amusement [ ] but Death's too quick for you [ ] but Cthulu wanted your ass first [ ] but you're not worth the ammo [ ] but we have a deep and abiding interest in pain, actually we're writing the definitive work on the subject, so we want you to be totally honest about how The Machine makes you feel [ ] which we assure you is nothing to worry about [ ] all those pesky freedoms just make your life complicated anyway [ ] there really are too many people on this planet [ ] our Legions of Doom are really quite nice guys under all that DeathArmor [ ] this UltimateSuperWeapon is for purely defensive purposes [ ] you'll be a better person for all the forced bio-modifications [ ] a lifetime of forced labor in the Pits of Despair builds character and we regret to inform you [ ] we are not currently recruiting [ ] and if you think we we ever will you need to get a clue [ ] and even if we were, you'd be the last person we'd ever ask [ ] unless we were really fricking drunk [ ] Nah, they don't make enough booze for that [ ] we'd open our own veins first [ ] we'd open _your_ veins first [ ] that is, after we were done ripping your still-beating heart out of your chest and ramming it back down your throat [ ] if you have to ask, you don't have what it takes [ ] the field is way too crowded already [ ] and you're not cute enough for us to make an exception [ ] even in the French Maid Outfit [ ] which really looks god-awful with all that exposed chest hair [ ] there is a List (tm) and you're on it [ ] you're on the top [ ] of a special, special list just for scum like you [ ] we dedicated an entire phase of the Plan just to ridding the earth of your existence [ ] you personally inspired our desire to wipe civilization off the face of this world and remake it in our own image because [ ] Evil Overlords don't share [ ] your sheer imcompetence to date gives all Evil Overlords a bad name [ ] nobody fucks with [ ] Physicists [ ] Moms [ ] Engineers [ ] Lawyers [ ] Librarians [ ] BOFHs and gets away with it [ ] somebody already called dibs on your ass [ ] actually, we had to fight several Trials of Grievance to decide who gets to kill you [ ] actually, we raised an incredible amount of cash for the Bastard Operator's Widow's and Orphans fund raffling off the right to waste you [ ] and the raffle wasn't fixed, damnit [ ] we consider command of capitalization and punctuation to be prerequisite to world conquest [ ] those who betray die the final Death [ ] and pathetic, whiny music types that surrender to the first Dragon they come across really piss us off [ ] most successful candidates have more than four functioning cranial neurons [ ] and usually these are connected by synapses rather than existing in isolation [ ] most Evil Overlord candidates are also usually toilet trained [ ] we have a policy of shooting bitchy Village Wisdoms on sight [ ] nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition [ ] you lost points to Novak's .sig, for crying out loud [ ] repeatedly [ ] PNH told us to do it [ ] anyone who considers Bujold and Piers Anthony to be in the same league as authors doesn't deserve to live [ ] our Warders need target practice [ ] the inexhorable evolution of our race must advance [ ] and we consider the fact that it requires your elimination a score on our part [ ] Mistress [ ] Andrea [ ] Cassandra [ ] Emma [ ] Hawk [ ] Kate [ ] Laura [ ] Leah [ ] Leigh [ ] Maggie [ ] Meg [ ] Michelle [ ] Pam [ ] Scottina [ ] Trina wanted your head on a plate [ ] and your balls in a bucket [ ] which is going to require the services of a microsurgeon [ ] we've killed better men than you [ ] we've wiped better things than you out of our asses [ ] your momma could do a better job [ ] actually, our orders to waste you come from her [ ] and damn if she didn't promise us a really great batch of chocolate chip cookies for it therefore, please note that [ ] the rapidly building high- pitched whine in the background is completely normal [ ] it's not really getting hot, it's just you [ ] it is certainly not possible that the ceiling could be moving towards the floor [ ] the ticking package we have sent you is perfectly safe [ ] plenty of people have survived this medical procedure [ ] and we use a new, sterile toilet plunger for each patient [ ] trust us, those black helicopters are not for you [ ] the pack of wild rabid dogs descending on your position are perfectly friendly [ ] that nasty rash will clear up by itself [ ] the bull's eye on your complimentary t-shirt goes in the back [ ] the three red dots on your chest are nothing to worry about [ ] breathing deeply helps the purple gas work faster [ ] we really insist you join Vito on the sudden midnight harbor cruise, and that the concrete overshoes are merely for your protection [ ] it is customary for the Cabal to send automobile service people to modify the vehicles of all unsuccessful candidates, just please don't start your car with other people around In closing, we would like to express our appreciation of your interest [ ] and we eagerly look foward to kicking your ass into next week [ ] and remember, this _is_ personal, damnit [ ] and we're going to enjoy watching you scream [ ] and it will be over soon, very, very soon Keep in mind, however, that appropriate donations of [ ] Beer [ ] Chocolate [ ] cute virgins [ ] cold hard cash [ ] your firstborn [ ] your immortal soul [ ] figure skating tickets [ ] advanced computer hardware may yet influence us to [ ] kill you quickly and cleanly [ ] spare your life, as we have bedpans that need scrubbing [ ] allow you to be someone's bitch's bitch Sincerely yours, [ ] Beer Drinkers and Hell Raisers, Local 183 [ ] Qodaxti Institute, 87th Stratum [ ] Sleep Monsters of the World [ ] The Revolutionary Command Council [ ] *snort* [ ] Seal Clubbing Stress Relief, Inc. [ ] Cynics Central [ ] The Steelypips [ ] HoplessRomantics.com [ ] Good Intentions Paving Company, Inc. [ ] Millenium Hand and Shrimp [ ] *sniff* -- Jeff Huo | jeff@starfall.com.nospam (remove nospam) U. Michigan Med | http://www.sta rfall.com/~jeff New to the group? Welcome! Please read http://www.landfield.com/faqs/sf/robert-jordan-faq/ http://www.starfall.com/~jeff/rasfwrjians2.html