Subject: Re: (sorta) TAN:  Wu Are You?
From: jeff@starfall.com.nospam (Jeff Huo)
Organization: Denizens of the Wolverine White Coat Ghetto
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written.robert-jordan

In article <38d2b03d.173787743@agate.berkeley.edu>, 
colton@socrates.berkeley.edu says...

>
> However, my name (John Colton) comes out: Erratic Assassin
> Can anyone beat that for coolness?
> 

...

"Commish, I have news."

"Oh, you mean on the hit we put out on Don Capo at the 
Mayor's Black Tie Banquet? Did our man do the job?"

"Well...yes...he put a round through the crime lord's head 
as he got up to the podium to speak..."

"Great! So Johnny's been avenged --"

"He also put a slug into the mayor's shoulder...a shot into 
the Comptroller's thigh...blew out half the windows and 
kneecapped Miss Milk 2000..."

<stunned silence>

"Our man says he chugged a thermos of Java before the hit 
and his trigger finger on the Assault Cannon got itchy."

<more stunned silence>

"Look, all those guys were corrupt and in the Boss's pocket. 
Well, maybe everyone except Miss Milk..."

<still more stunned silence>

"Commissioner, we _did_ send the 'Erratic Assassin' to do 
the job."

"Why the heck didn't we send someone else?"

<patiently> "Commish, it's not exactly like we've got the 
Justice League on call...we're a bit limited in what we have 
on hand. I mean, there's Weasel Boy, and his ability to 
rearrange entire libraries of SF novels by ISBN number at 
superhuman speed...there's the Amazing Pam and her Colloids 
of Doom...there's the Superstring Knight --"

"Hm...that sounds promising..."

"Unfortunately, superstrings in their most common form are 
one-dimentional, massless, and only infinitesimal fractions 
of a angstrom long, and largely theoretical to boot. They're 
not particularly dangerous, unless you get whacked over the 
head with a tome of related equations."

"What about Captain Oilcan...he does stuff with lasers..."

"Commish, my eyebrows still haven't grown back after last 
year, when your phone call made him miss the last few 
minutes of the Duke-U. Conn Final and he hunted us down with 
that Hummer-mounted 500 watt cannon...it's March Madness 
again, and I think he upgraded the cannon."

"Yerg...how 'bout the Loy? He can channel..."

"Eric's got Basketball and Tae Kwon Do. Superhero stuff is 
out till at least the fall."

"How about her? She's got power and cunning aplenty and 
she'll do our dirty work --especially for chocolate."

"Yes, but COSI is hosting a traveling exhibition on medicine 
that Alex absolutely has to see..."

"Hawk Sedai?"

"The last person who tried to force her to do anything 
against her will started the day a head shorter than Lews 
Therin and ended it -two- heads shorter --that is, after she 
ran six feet of steel through his crotch..."

"The Humblest Man on the Net?"

"Let me quote some advice I received from a wise sage: 'Do 
not meddle in the affairs of Novak, for he is grumpy and 
designs missile guidance systems.'"

"How 'bout one of the BOFHs? We gotta have enough of them to 
staff a Virtual Adept chantry by themselves..."

"..and half of them have designs on world domination, and 
the other half just haven't declared yet, any of which I'd 
trust about as far as I could throw a PDP-16."

"How about the Carleton Brothers?"

"Rowat and Hoye? Hah! They're Canucks! Who the heck would be 
afraid of anything from north of the border?"

<suddenly, a high pitched transporter whine. Materializing 
out of the darkness are Captain Kirk, Wolverine, Neo and the 
Cigarette-Smoking Man. [1] Kirk has a nasty Mark-IV 
two-handed Phaser, Neo a Gatling gun, Wolverine extends his 
claws and let's face it folks, the Cigarette-Smoking Man 
don't need no weapons to scare the shit out of you.>

(Cigarette Smoking Man:) "Somebody say something about 
Canadians?"

<both the Commish and his flunky, very quietly> "Mommy...."

-Jeff


[1] William Shatner, Keanu Reeves and William Davis are all 
Canadians, as is  Wolverine. Let it never be said that 
Canadians cannot kick ass.


-- 
Jeff Huo | jeff@starfall.com.nospam (remove nospam)
U. Michigan Med | http://www.starfall.com/~jeff

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